Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*limbos away from your hug*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.