Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Jurassic park gets weird
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
And that about sums it up.