Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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Isn’t
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’