Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.