fourth time’s the charm
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
that colleague who touches your screen
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.