Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I feel attacked.
doing your own taxes
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…