A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Happy thanksgiving!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Where is your GOD now????
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.