I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?