My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL