If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”