I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I need better friends
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.