I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
yeah no that’s fair
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Human are so complicated
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?