Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?