My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*me flirting
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.