when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
You Might Also Like
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
💯😂
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.