Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
This probably isn’t good
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.