“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying