“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”