The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
omg leave her alone
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*looks at you in batman voice*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”