Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Happy Febuary everyone!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Get off my horse you stupid moon
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.