My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
yeet
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game