I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.