Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.