*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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car not found
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.