i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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