lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house