friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*