I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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I’m tired tomorrow.
why isn’t he texting back
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
good work, detective
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee