Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
sugar glider wrangler
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars