they should invent a hydrating liquor
You Might Also Like
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.