I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47