we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.