I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you