“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
scrabbled eggs
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready