My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*