“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
BaD BoY!!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.