SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.