Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
More like Kate Missington.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them