I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store