for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Breaking news:
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
a public service announcement
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.