I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I think my mom just blocked me
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi