If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?