Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
You Might Also Like
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
handsome & gretel
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I can also cook 😂
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that