9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all