fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.