My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.