when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
oh my god
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite