[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
That’s amazing.