I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?