An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Monday?
No. Next question.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
That time Alicia messaged me
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.